ialli

i have not written about ialli because i knew that nothing i could say would suffice. no words could capture the gratitude i felt for her beautiful soul or the loss i felt when she left us. ialli was a dog. actually, she was a boxer, which means she was something unique in the world of dogs. we've had a lot of dogs over the years, and two boxers (well, four now with our two grandpuppies), and boxers are different. they carry a spark of something i find undefinable. i believe it is a spark of the divine.

we have two new boxers in our lives, evie and luna; and they have brought us incredible joy and so many smiles already. they have completely different personalities but are boxer personified. they are physically beautiful, innately curious, as frolicky (which dictionary.com tells me is not a word) as goats, and have an unmatched zest for life. they teach us every day how to live. they remind me so much of ialli. they remind me less of cocoa. why?

i think it is because ialli was loved completely by almost every person who ever met her. there was one man on the beach who instantly hated her. i'm sure that his story is long and bitter, although at the time i felt no sympathy for him. ialli knew it instantly, was confused, and barked at him for his feelings. no one else ever had any response to her other than smiles and adoration. ialli was a wonderful dog. she was made more wonderful by how people loved her.

cocoa was a wonderful dog, too. but cocoa was damaged. her life was filled with anxiety. she was the most needy of dogs and what she needed more than anything was to be loved. she didn't have a dominant bone in her body. the one time she showed dominance was when ialli was a puppy. (ialli bore that tiny scar all her life.) but her people didn't like that, and cocoa wanted to please her people more than anything in life. her people loved her, and that love was everything. she never showed even the tiniest bit of aggression towards ialli again.

but she was very protective. she barked at shosha's boyfriend every time he left the room and came back in. she barked so much when we first got her. she was anxious and wanted more than anything to protect these people who loved her. the people she lived with, the ones she was misplaced with after her birth, did not love her. she loved them. it is a boxer's nature to love. cocoa loved a family that did not love her. we are all damaged when our love is not returned. we vary in how much we are changed by who we are, by our previous experiences, and by the relationship; but we never leave unrequited love unscathed. that's why it is such a topic of creative verse. it changes us.

as does being loved. being loved deeply and well changed cocoa. she lost some of her anxiety. she accepted ialli into her beloved family, along with various other dogs that came into our lives. mostly she loved her boy, her very own boy, who gave her more than any of us ever could.

ialli had some problems with other dogs, none of her own making. she was hated. i think it was maybe because she was so loved. i'm sure dogs could sense how deeply and thoroughly she was adored. i believe they were jealous. we all want to be so loved. but ialli was so good partly because she was so loved. she even made taylor love her, and he was so determined not to let that happen. i sometimes think losing ialli may have been the worst loss he suffered, and the boy has lost so much. is that why he pushed shosha away? could he just not bare her loss in the future so had to make it happen now? i don't know. taylor did not respond to love like cocoa did. i wish that he had.

meanderings is a good word for my blog. my mind seems to wander all over the place when i begin to write. what began about ialli went all over the place. i think that's because she was woven into our life like a seamless cloth. we can't divide those we love into compartments. they are all there with us, making up the people we are. what started this blog was looking at the photos of evie and luna and thinking how they reminded me more of ialli and less of cocoa and trying to figure out why. i think i did. i think it is because ialli, unlike cocoa, was not damaged by insufficient love. ialli was always and will always be beloved.