meanderings

i have been burying my mother lately
piece by piece, notebook by notebook, letter by letter
tossing into the trash
her many friends, most of them predeceasing her
her hopes, her fears
her therapy of words
seeking balm for her very troubled mind

my mother's body still lives
along with sparks of her mind
mostly, blessedly, the parts that love
people, good food, flowers and birds
babies and song
jerry, her lifelong companion and lover

i have won an empty victory
for her loyalty
enjoying her smile at seeing me,
her thanks for flowers and lotion and touch

i am not the enemy her gurus once told her i was
men whose only true love
was ever the power they could wield over the fearful
of whom my mother was a most devoted acolyte
her insecurity the chains of their leash

the crippling disease that has whittled away
her memory, her ability to think or read or write
has given her a scriptural honing
to a core of gold that was ever hidden
behind an irrational terror and a gaping need
to a woman who loves,
a new testament mary
who has left a troubled martha behind

the human animal.....

human beings have come a long way in providing for survival. so far, in fact, that many of us, particularly in the western world, have forgotten that life is a battle for survival... a fight against death.
most of us no longer awaken with the urgent need to find food each day. most of us don't have the need to be constantly vigilant against an enemy that would eat us or kill us for our territory. most, but not all. there are places in this world where finding daily food, and water, is still the primary task of the day. there are neighborhoods in this world where our children must defend their territory or risk death in the attempt.
in losing our fear of death, we have lost our knowledge of ourselves as animals. we may be more than animals, but we can also not deny our animal nature. we live in a body that needs to eat and drink and defecate and that will someday wear out and die even if nothing kills it. we understand that even as we deny it in order to live the life we have chosen to live.
and into this ambiguity comes god. for many of us, dealing with the suffering and inhumanity to man that we see, we must deal with our questions of god. is there god? what is the nature of god? what power or limitations does god have?
people suffer. earthquakes, hurricanes, tsunamis, alzheimer's, cancer... these cannot be blamed directly on man but on nature. ( i understand the part global warming and pollution plays as an aggrevation.) but basically, they occur as part of the natural events of the planet earth.
people deliberately hurt each other, not only in war, but in everyday cruelty. american slaves had their achille's heel cut for running away too many times, romans crucified their enemies, american indians often tortured their captives, some parents burn their children with cigarettes or use their immature bodies for sex.
how do we live with this knowledge of our own impending death and our ability to treat other people with such cruelty?
one way is to believe in god; another is to deny the existence of any god. and there are a myriad of in-between solutions... to believe in an uninterested god, a god of limited power, or simply to ignore the question altogether and focus completely on the narrow breadth of your own life.
my choice has been an omnipotent god. in the beginning, it was not my choice, but my parent's choice... as it is for every child. we enter this world completely helpless and dependent on our caretakers. and for all that my upbringing told me, it is not a permanent choice. it is a choice i must make over and over... most often, it is a difficult choice, but there have been times that it has been as natural as breathing.
having chosen to believe in an omnipotent god, there is the second choice as to the nature of god. again, a choice that must be repeated, often on a daily, even a minute-by-minute choice. i grew up with two very distinct images of god ... old testament and new testament... my old testament god was all powerful and out to get you for any bad thing you might do... even accidentally, like the poor driver of the ark of the covenant, or lot's wife, who looked back at the place that had been her home for so many years. my new testament god was jesus... who put children on his lap and told them they were the wisest of us all, who had compassion for prostitutes (sex being the gravest of sins to a southern baptist), who gave his life in the most painful death of his age to somehow give me mine.
which to choose?
i have since read more thoroughly in both testaments and found the compassionate jesus, even in the harsh chapters of leviticus (see the jubilee chapter), the admonition to justice and providing for the stranger in our midst. and i try, on most days, to chose the jesus god. not only for myself and my own receipt of the compassion of a loving and forgiving god, but for how my heart and soul rejoices in loving others. it feels better to treat others with the compassion i want for myself than it does to act on my own selfish desires and petty cruelties. whether god does indeed exist or not, i like who i am better when i'm trying to act like the jesus god. and it is obvious to me, that the world would be a better place to live if all humans acted like the jesus god.
and therein lies my choice. hopefully on the dark days as well as the days filled with light.
amen

The Old Testament tradition was not exactly child-centred: "The stick and the reprimand bestow wisdom… Correct your son and he will delight your soul." (Proverbs 29) The Gospels (Matthew 18, 1-10; Mk 9, 35-37) give us a precious glimpse of how Jesus related to children. He gave them time, and touch, and urged the disciples: "Change, and become like little children." Why is theirs the kingdom of heaven? Perhaps because of their sense of wonder, their readiness to be unnoticed, their acceptance of dependence on those who love them. They know what it is to be told off, corrected, punished - and mostly take it in their stride. They are constantly challenged in learning, ready to tackle more new things; they know they have a future and look forward to it. Thank God for children.