meanderings

summer reading ...

My son is reading death of a salesman by Arthur miller for his summer reading so we bought the play on video with dustin hoffman playing willy lowman. We thought it would be good to watch it once he had finished the book. I’m not sure if I have ever read it or not. I’m pretty sure I saw the old Hollywood version, but it’s been so long that I didn’t really remember much about it.
It is a very powerful play, one I’m not sure most teenagers will get as the story of willy lowman. If my son is any indication, they will identify solely with biff and miss the story of willy. Why would they not? It reminds me of when my daughter read the awakening by kate chopin in her junior year of high school… a wonderful book… but an adult book. Children in high school have not been to that place yet. I’m not sure they can go there vicariously, but it will be interesting to see how my son’s teacher approaches this.
My son accuses me of seeing too much of “man enough” (a book I have read and reread that explains so much about the men in my life), in this story; but death of a salesman is so much about the idea of manhood. In his interview on actor’s studio, dustin hoffman admits how difficult it was for him to have his father view the play. He felt that his father was much like willy lowman. But when his father saw the play, he saw none of himself in willy. He called him a jerk. Did the father not recognize himself or did dustin miss something in his father? It could be either. It could be both.
Parents create this image for their children of “greater than life”. And children participate in that creation. Part of it is need. Children need to have their parents “all knowing” so that they can feel safe. On the parent’s part, they fall in love with this baby and want to be that perfect person for them. A parent desires to give their child all the things that they felt they didn’t get as a child. You want to be the perfect parent.
But you also never quite lose the awareness that you are not.
Most of us try to hide that.
We try to become the image that is created
And sooner or later, our children find us out. Biff lowman could not handle his father’s fall from grace. Even at his funeral…. That wonderful piece of light and dark on the film… he could not see who his father was. He could only see who his father was not.
It is difficult to see under the image of who our parents present to us. It is one of the hardest endeavors and one of the greatest gifts to be able to view your parents with compassion…. To see them for who they are and who they want to be instead of who we need for them to be.
I have watched my parents become needy, parents who felt duty bound to be the ultimate caretakers – my father in the material realm and my mother in the spiritual realm. Both felt a great need to be the ultimate provider for their children, a need that was not always healthy. Both worked very hard to overcome their tremendous insecurity to be the person they felt they needed to be for their children. Both defined their life by how well they met that need. Whatever their shortcomings, that is a strong legacy that lives on in my own life. Being a parent is a huge part of who I am. I not only love my children with a passion, I love children with a passion. Seeing life through the eyes of a child makes us better people. It is hard to maintain the childlike wonder of life without children in our lives.
Caring for my parents as their bodies betray them has been both blessing and sorrow. I am struck by how very alone we are as we face the decay of our animal bodies. I have mourned in advance the days when I will face this myself. But I have reveled in the opportunity to go beyond my childhood hang-ups and forgive my parents for how they failed me – for all parents fail their children. No parent can meet the expectations and needs of a child. We should remember that having all had the experience of being that child. I have been blessed by being able to give back something of the love and care that they provided for me. I have been able to forgive them for having a vision for me and for themselves that is different from the one I have for myself and to recognize those good parts that are the same. I have come a long way in forgiving myself for failing to meet those expectations they set for me.
Biff could never see his father for that would mean acknowledging his own failure outside of the blame he placed on his father for those failures. When he saw his father falling apart, he could not let go of his own need to define how his father had hurt and failed him. He could not see beyond to how willy’s father had hurt and failed him. He didn’t understand how important willy’s substitute father – the 83 year old salesman – had become in defining who willy was, how willy could become a real man, how willy’s failure to become that 83 year old man was destroying him. It is so incredibly hard for us to see outside ourselves and our own needs. It is a lifetime work.
I’m not sure how these children will react to this story, but I’m glad that this story is out there. We need stories to help us to see our own lives. Often we can see in stories what we could not see otherwise. The best spiritual leaders have always taught their lessons in stories. It helps us to see our own story.